Above: Us, displaying family value #5

Where there is no vision, the people perish (Proverbs 29).

Several years ago while hiking with our kids in one of the most beautiful paces on earth (Rocky Mountain National Park), we realized that our beloved boys were doing a great impression of ungrateful, whiny brats. This perplexed and frustrated us until Christopher and I remembered an earlier lesson: when we are not enjoying our children, it often means that we are the problem. Rather than railing against them (my default), it became clear that we needed the parenting equivalent of a chiropractic adjustment.

That night after they “retired”, and it was an early retirement as I recall, Christopher and I began processing where we veered off track. It didn’t take long for us to realize that we carried expectations of who they ought to be and how they should behave that had never been clearly communicated to them. We wondered if we could initiate a conversation that would get us all on the same page.

The next morning over breakfast, Christopher asked, “What are some of the characteristics that we already have as a family and what are a few areas where we could grow?” It became one of the most engaging, dynamic conversations that we’ve ever had and resulted in the following ten family values:

1. Hospitable: We practice hospitality on a regular basis. Whether its inviting international visitors or neighbors over for a meal, we take seriously the notion that sitting down at the table with others is one of the best ways to get to know and bless them.

2. Generous: We are generous with the resources that we have. This runs the gamut from cheerfully sharing our personal belongings, to sponsoring several children from Compassion, to giving money to those in need whenever we are able.

3. Truthful: We commit to not deceiving anyone, regardless of the cost to us. We admit it when we have neglected or wronged someone. We communicate with one another when something is bothering us. We do so assuming the best of the other and with a commitment to working things out.

4. Forgiving: Closely connected to number three, we forgive one another. The process of forgiveness is perhaps one of the most essential ingredients to living in harmony with one another. It is also a cornerstone of our faith. Again, this is something we can’t take for granted. We taught the boys a script when they were younger that they still follow. After number two son punched and blooded number one son’s nose, he was encouraged to say, “I am sorry that I punched you in the face. Will you forgive me?” And humbled number one son replied, when he was ready, “I forgive you for hitting me.” Then they hugged. It may sound contrived, but it really works.

5. Engaged adventurers: We choose to engage physically, spiritually, and relationally with the world around us. Since we are well past the midpoint of our life, Christopher and I are very much aware of our MANY limitations. Though we respect those areas of limitations, whenever possible, we will not be defined by them. As an example, Christopher has some significant fears connected to heights and flying but he continues to press himself. While vacationing in the Pacific NW last year, he bravely conquered a high ropes course. I was not crazy about white water rafting, but there I am (albeit gripping the side ropes!)

6. Resilient: The scientific definition for resiliency is, “the power or ability to return to the original form, position, etc., after being bent, compressed, or stretched; elasticity.” Pediatrician and developmental specialist Dr. T. Berry Brazelton wrote, “How an individual deals with disappointment is the mark of true maturity.” This has been an aggressive teaching point for all three of our sons—and I might add—for me as well. We have learned together than griping, pouting, or angry outbursts really have little impact. While we certainly offer grace and allow for grieving when the disappointment is legitimate, we have found that returning to our original form minimizes the losses.

7. Flexible: We Grecos tend to be planners. Sometimes wisdom dictates dropping those plans, irregardless of how wonderful they might have been, in favor of an unexpected opportunity.

8. Grateful: We choose to have thankful hearts and express our gratitude often. Starting at an early age, we have trained our boys to always say “Thank you” to whomever prepared their meal. They also get numerous pokes to write notes of appreciation to their teachers or other significant adults. I LOVELOVELOVE this value!!

9. Curious: Learning requires humility and a willingness to submit ourselves to the discipline of scholarship. Our commitment to intellectual growth is towards the goal of having a rich understanding of history and the people in our lives rather than pride in our knowledge.

10. Creative: We believe that we are created in God’s image and therefore have unique gifts that we are meant to develop and offer to the world around us. This requires both discipline, perseverance, and a willingness to risk expressing our own style and viewpoint.

When we composed this list, our sons ranged between the ages of nine and 15. Obviously, it would be challenging to enter into a dialogue about such sophisticated endeavors with a two year old. However, many of these values can be simplified so that even young children could understand and embrace the basic concepts. Furthermore, because we change, the list is not static. As we continue to grow chronologically and developmentally, we might add – or subtract – specific values. Having this in front of us on a daily basis helps us to live purposefully and avoid unnecessary conflict. (The remainder of our Colorado vacation was incredible and sans annoying behavior!) Have fun developing your list!