Just before he concluded his final speech, President Obama looked at his wife and said, “Michelle LaVaughn Robinson, girl of the South Side, for the past 25 years, you’ve been not only my wife and mother of my children, but my best friend. You took on a role you didn’t ask for and made it your own with grace and grit and style and good humor. You made the White House a place that belongs to everybody. And a new generation sets its sights higher because it has you as a role model. You’ve made me proud. You’ve made the country proud.”
(If you did not get the chance to hear this live, please take a minute to watch. It’s worth your time.)
As soon as he said her name, I lost it. According to my Facebook feed that night, many viewers (both women and men) broke down upon hearing this incredibly moving and tender moment between the President and his wife.
It was a bold and vulnerable choice. Before the watching world, he removed his presidential armor and generously offered all of us a glimpse into their marriage.
This was impactful for several reasons. President Obama, arguably one of the most powerful men in the world, articulated what every spouse longs to hear: that we are seen, that we are appreciated, that we are loved. There’s something about doing this in public that exponentially increases the value of such words.
The moment was exceptional in part because it’s so rare. Men do not often admit their need for or reliance upon their wives. American culture esteems men who are virile, strong, and independent. In fact, I would go so far as to say that western culture discourages husbands from reflecting on how much they need their wives which in turn diminishes their ability to offer this much needed affirmation.
Additionally, it’s far more common for us to hear dismissive, critical comments than kind, affirming ones. We think it’s all in good fun. By taking advantage of an opportunity to criticize or poke fun of our spouse, we may illicit laughter, but at what cost?
Years ago, while photographing a wedding, the pastor charged the young couple as follows:
“Words are powerful. They can bring life or death. Everyday, you will have the opportunity to speak life or death to your spouse. Choose carefully.”
As my husband will confirm, I have not always chosen well. In moments of frustration, anger, or pure vindictiveness, I sometimes use words to wound. It’s actually quite astonishing how effortless it is to pull back the bow and let a flaming arrow fly directly into the heart of my beloved. It takes tremendous restraint to lower the weapon and let it fall to my feet. It takes true character to form my sentences so that they bring life and health into our marriage.
What’s helped me to grow in this arena is routinely asking God to give me more self-control and admitting when I fail. Not very sexy, but it works.
Would you consider doing the same? Would you ask God to help you use your words to bring life? Would you commit to confessing when you speak poorly or disrespectfully of others, especially your spouse?
May we all have the courage and humility to follow President Obama’s powerful example.
If this resonates with you, I’d like to encourage you to check out my new book, Making Marriage Beautiful. In it, I talk about communication and many other issues such as expectations and disappointment, confession, forgiveness, addictions, the role of suffering, the importance of community, and many other pertinent topics. You can find out more about the book here.
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