The inimitable Anne Kennedy asked me 14 questions about midlife marriage. She’s quite amazing so it’s no surprise that her questions made me pause and dig deep. Anne said she jotted these down while reading Marriage in the Middle. I hope you enjoy the interview. (I’m pulling a few out of order. If you want to read the entire piece, the link will be at the end.)
- What are the particular joys of marriage at middle age that you did not anticipate?
By this point, my husband and I have been together for half of my life. Being intimately known by someone who is fully aware of every failure and limitation, and yet continues to love me is such a gift.
I’m also thrilled to have the opportunity to partner with my husband in artistic and ministry endeavors. As the years go by, there’s an ease about our partnership. We have a clear sense of how to work together. That’s not to say that we don’t still have occasional conflict as we partner. Some of our worst fights have been in the context of ministry.
And sex. Yes, it does get better the longer we’re together. I think that’s because ultimately, it’s not about plumbing. It’s about knowing and being known. About trust and tenderness. The world’s narrative tells us that sex is for those who are under thirty and who have flat abs but that’s a lie.
- What would you say to someone who gets married for the first time in midlife and finds it to be a really difficult experience—much more difficult than expected?
Couples who get married for the first time in their 40s or 50s might be more set in their ways and possibly have a longer list of expectations. We certainly are creatures of habit. Letting someone in after living alone for thirty of forty years will inevitably disrupt any calcified, sacred routines. This can be equal parts frightening and disconcerting.
In the long run, it’s actually a good thing, a mercy really, that marriage pushes us off our little thrones. God calls us to live sacrificially and to love without reservation. Marriage helps us to accomplish that.
Hopefully, individuals who marry in midlife or beyond will also more mature, wise, thoughtful, and self-aware. Those are all advantages that a starry-eyed 20-year-old does not have.
- What is the place of “happiness” in marriage?
First, I’d like to differentiate between happiness and joy. The former is more fleeting and dependent upon circumstances. The store had my favorite ice cream so I’m happy. Joy, on the other hand, is deeper and less dependent upon circumstances. Scripture talks about the joy of the Lord. As I’ve aged, I’ve come to understand that while I can’t necessarily choose happiness, I can choose to accept the Lord’s joy and even work to get there via showing gratitude and rejoicing. (Read Habakkuk for more on this.)
That said, happiness shouldn’t be a goal. It should be a byproduct of a life well lived. If I’m understanding Scripture, we can also access joy by rejoicing in God’s goodness. By recalling his faithfulness in our lives, no matter how small.
Here’s the link to Anne’s Patheos channel and the interview in its entirety.
And here’s a link to check out Marriage in the Middle.
