I just finished teaching our second son how to drive. Convincing my driver-to-be that he had blind spots was perhaps the most difficult component of our lessons. The car’s three mirrors gave him a false security leading to more than one close call. (We now have a well-worn patch in the passenger side carpet under my “brake foot.”) I repeatedly reminded him, “If you don’t understand that you have blind spots, you are a dangerous driver. You always have to be aware that any poor decision might impact others around you.”
I wish I could teach this lesson to married men in power—specifically those who struggle to keep their pants on.
Ex-CIA chief General Petraeus’ affair with his much younger biographer, Paula Broadwell, is the most recent example of a powerful man who chooses poorly, seemingly indifferent to how his behavior will affect those closest to him, amidst a culture which rushes to his defense.
In a November 15, 2012, column referring to the breaking news about the CIA chief’s resignation, Dr. Keith Ablow, NY Times best-selling author and consulting psychiatrist for Fox News, wrote:
We don’t have leaders who fail us. They can do their jobs just fine while carrying on sexually with multiple partners, divorcing and remarrying several times or watching porn. These activities have nothing at all to do with professional competence, because the sex drive is so frequently an island unto itself. Judging a man or a woman based on that person’s sexual behavior (when consensual and between adults) is, using a word that psychiatrists use too infrequently, idiotic.
Never mind that Dr. Ablow has perhaps just demonstrated why psychiatrists should use the word idiotic more frequently, he cluelessly parrots a cultural blind spot: males cannot steward their powerful dissociated sexual urges and therefore, it is unfair and unkind to notice their indiscretions.
Men, it’s time to adjust your mirrors.
First, the notion that men cannot control their sexual urges is, well, idiotic. Just because blood is flowing to a certain body part doesn’t mean that they have to be governed by that organ. Men train for years in order to run marathons or perfect their golf swings. Men successfully battle fear as they face cancer. Men navigate multi-billion dollar business deals which necessitate extreme restraint. And the millions of men who remain faithful to their wives provide sufficient evidence that self-control, even in the face of sexual urges, is actually possible.
Even if they could—hypothetically—just say no, why should they? Our culture, backed by idiotic experts, is simply unwilling to understand just how costly such choices are. The reality is, unrestrained sexuality will have deleterious consequences—sooner or later—both for the men in power and for those intimately connected to them. King David provides a cogent example.
David ruled the Hebrew nation for four decades, approximately one thousand years before Jesus was born. He was arguably one of the most powerful and beloved kings. Despite the fact that he had multiple wives, he was also an adulterer. 2 Samuel 11 reads:
Late one afternoon, David got out of bed and went for a stroll on the roof of the palace. As he looked out, he noticed a woman of unusual beauty taking a bath. He sent someone to find out who she was….Then David sent for Bathsheba; and when she came to the palace, he slept with her.
Soon after, Bathsheba discovers she is pregnant and the great king concocts a web of deceit which leaves her husband dead on the battlefield. He gets his woman, but not without subsequent correlative consequences for his family and his people. Their first born sons dies. A later son, Amnon, rapes his half-sister. Another son leads a rebellion against his father. (Who needs the National Inquirer when we have the Bible?)
King David’s story succinctly illustrates that unrestrained male sexuality, especially when coupled with political power, is consequential for all—not the least, the one who initiated the infidelity.
He penned the following psalm after his indiscretions:
I am a worm and not a man.
I am scorned and despised by all!
Everyone who sees me mocks me.
They sneer and shake their heads.
I could be wrong, but this sounds like a man who is drowning under the weight of shame.
The February, 2012 PBS documentary, Clinton, portrays a president who was indeed adversely impacted by his missteps. Perhaps Dr. Ablow and his cohorts would perceive Clinton’s twenty-one day impeachment trial as business as usual. During the trial, Monica Lewinsky took the stand to detail their sexual escapades. The scandal riveted the nation for more than year. One can only imagine what dinners at the While House were like during this season. And the impact of his infidelity stretched far into the future. When his daughter, who was 18 at the time the scandal broke, married this past year, she had her husband sign a reported $10 million adultery clause in their prenuptial agreement.
More recently, California ex-Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger, who fathered a child with the family housekeeper, admitted in an interview with Leslie Stahl on 60 Minutes, “I think it was the stupidest thing I’ve done in the whole relationship. It was terrible. I inflicted tremendous pain on Maria and unbelievable pain on the kids.” He admitted he still doesn’t know why he cheated, but that it was probably “a mixture of stupidity and arrogance.”
Thank you, Mr. Schwarzenegger for telling the truth. Thank you Maria Shriver for not dismissing your ex-husband’s infidelity.
And while the FBI deliberates whether or not Petraeus breached national security in his correspondence with Mrs. Broadwell, the general will also have to face the impact of breaking trust with his wife. After twenty years of accompanying men and women who are repairing the ruptures caused by marital infidelity, I can assure you that it will take multiple years (not months) for her to trust him again—should she choose to remain in the marriage.
This is what I believe a wise, non-compromising psychiatrist would write: Such activities have everything to do with professional competence, because how we express our sexuality impacts those around us. Judging a man or a woman based on that person’s sexual behavior is prudent and gives us a picture into that individual’s soul.
Men in positions of power who fail to appropriately contain their sex drives are like double tractor trailers careening down the interstate with drunkards at the wheel. Have no doubt, there will be collateral damage.