What do you want? As in, what do you really want?

This is a combustible question.

Jen Michel writes in Teach Us to Want, “I am a woman who has struggled long with an inordinate fear of her selfishness, a woman who has wanted a measure of certainty for finding and following the will of God. I’ve needed a greater reassurance that if I ever lean into my desires, I am not falling off a cliff. Many, like me, imagine desire and faith in a boxing ring, facing off like opponents. . . . We easily dismiss desire, arguing that the goal of Christian life is obedience. Why promote desire?” (All quotes listed are from Jen’s book.)

There have been many seasons in my life when I too have been afraid to trust my longings. I typically doubt my desire when a seemingly God backed but not necessarily God guaranteed option dangles before me. For instance, marriage. I was just a few months shy of thirty when I walked down the aisle. That’s hardly ancient, but the years between twenty and thirty gave me plenty of time to doubt whether or not my my longings for a husband were godly or would be fulfilled. I tried to let go—because good Christians are taught to let go of their longings—but never truly succeeded. It was really more self-deceit than release.

We doubt our desires for multiple reasons—perhaps most significantly, because we are aware of the true state of our souls. Michel asks, “How can we allow ourselves to want especially when we’re so infinitely adept at sin? How can we ever decide that our desires are anything other than the sin-sick expression of our inner corruption? Can we trust our desires if we ourselves can be so untrustworthy?”

Perhaps, but only if we are willing to live in the tension of how our sin impacts and influences us. For example, I want to write. I experience this as a hunger that is no different than the ache in my belly when I wake up in the morning. If I’m not writing, I’m thinking about writing. I could assume that God is indeed calling me to write in this season and disregard any doubts or fears. However, I am also aware that I’m still a bit shell-shocked from the events of the past year when we had to leave a faith community that we deeply loved. Is it possible that the betrayal we experienced contributes to my need to sequester myself in a room for hours a day? (Maybe.)

The working out of my desire must include a willingness to acknowledge my selfishness, my tendencies toward self-protection, and my difficulty trusting God with all of who I am. It must include a willingness to sift my desires through the fine mesh of Scripture because, “the Bible is not just information about God; it is the living voice of God. Like a surgeon’s scalpel, the Scriptures make deep incisions in my contradictions.”

Jen Michel is well aware of her contradictions, her desires, and her sin. It is this awareness coupled with her willingness to vulnerably lay them out before us that contribute to the power of her book. Because she has faced multiple tragedies in her life and continued to follow after God, she has authority to write on this topic. And write she does. I’ve seldom read anyone’s work that is both beautifully written and deeply convicting.

Her writing is at once exquisite and challenging. Without being parental, she urges us to subordinate our longings and desires to the One who loves us best, in full confidence that He will convert both us and our desires. Framed around the Lord’s Prayer, Teach Us to Want will not only encourage and inspire, it will renew your hope and enliven you to pray.

I’ll leave you with Jen’s words:
“God may not give us the life we want or expect—and this can still be called good. He will force necessary revisions on our desires, especially through our experiences of disappointment and loss. This will seem painful. It will expose our myths or self-sovereignty. It will wrestle our will for control. But it will also oblige us to trust—and trust welcomes us into a greater inheritance.”

To buy Jen’s book go to IVP’s site or Amazon.
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