No husband (or wife) has the right to demand sex from their partner. Full stop. Normally, I don’t take the time to refute a post that’s poorly written. This is different. Not only does this one twist Scripture, it’s incredibly misogynistic and promotes abusive behavior.

The red flags started waving from the first paragraph which reads, “I recently had a woman named M write me about 10 rules for sex that her husband gave her at the beginning their marriage. These rules are very good applications of what the Bible says about submission and sex in marriage.” 

First, they are not, in fact, “very good applications.” And second, any husband who feels compelled to give his new bride a list of ten rules connected to sex (or anything, for that matter) has a warped understanding of what marriage, particularly Christian marriage, is all about. It’s not a business deal consisting of a boss and a servant but rather a covenant made by two equal partners. The agreement is predicated upon mutuality, not hierarchy. Thus, a Christian marriage should be characterized by mutual flourishing—not dominance and submission. 

Let’s look at a few of the rules. 

1. “Obedience means complete obedience. No exceptions. … Sex is an important part of marriage and being totally sexually obedient to your husband is part of your vows.” Larry, the pen name of the man who writes this blog, refers here to Ephesians 5, conveniently skipping the first line: “You will submit to one another out of reverence for Christ.” Apparently, in Larry’s world, only the wife needs to submit. This section of Scripture is often taken out of context to support male hierarchy. I don’t have the patience to address the text here but I suggest reading Alice Mathews’ book, Gender Roles and the People of God or Alison Barr’s new book, The Making of Biblical Womanhood.

2. “Your main pleasure from sex comes from you pleasing your husband.” I will admit that pleasing my husband is satisfying. However, if married sex only focuses on making sure the man is receiving pleasure, it’s one-sided. Mutually fulfilling sex results from both parties seeking to please each other. Larry references three Scriptures here. Romans 1:27 has nothing to do with women pleasing their husbands. Proverbs 5:18 reads, “Let your wife be a fountain of blessing. Rejoice in the wife of your youth.” Receiving blessing and rejoicing imply reciprocity and gratitude. Song of Songs 4:16 is not referring to obedience. (Larry relies on these three Scriptures throughout.)

3. “It is very stressful to be your family’s leader, provider and protector, and sex is an important way to relieve that stress. Sometimes your husband is going to demand sex at an inconvenient time, or when you are tired. Remember that he probably needs a physical release to help him get through a hard day.” Perhaps another way for this beleaguered husband to relieve stress would be to co-lead with his wife. Just a thought. I digress. Sex does relieve stress. The chemicals that get released when we have orgasm create an emotional high that lasts well beyond the moment of climax. But when men (or again, women) routinely rely on sex as a, or the, main way to manage stress, the wife may feel used. Relieving stress is not moving toward oneness (see Genesis 2), which is one of the main goals of marital intimacy.

4. “A man wants an enthusiastic sexual partner. Sometimes you are going to feel that what your husband demands of you is degrading or humiliating. Your obligation is to submit to him, so always have a smile on your face and an eager to please attitude when your husband demands your sexual service, no matter what it is.” The best path to having an enthusiastic partner in bed is to prioritize giving that same partner pleasure. It also helps when said partner knows that they are loved, valued, esteemed, respected, and cared for outside of the bedroom. Furthermore, no Christian husband should ever demand anything degrading or humiliating from his spouse. As in ever. Such an attitude is about as far from loving your wife as Christ loves the church as one could get. (See #9 for more on this.)

5. “Every man … is going to train you to please him the way he wants and you need to work your hardest to learn what he likes and to always be attentive to his particular needs and preferences.” (Jeremiah 18:6) Larry believes that Jeremiah supports this point. Jeremiah 18:6 reads, “O Israel, can I not do to you as the potter has done to the clay? As the clay is in the potter’s hand, so are you in my hand.” Larry, let me help here. God is the potter and we, his people, are the clay. He did not designate men to be the potters and women to be the clay. Sorry to disappoint.  

6. “You need to keep your body in shape and always look your best. Work out and eat right to keep slim and sexy. Pay attention to your hair and makeup even if you are just at home. Embrace body modifications if your husband thinks they will enhance your beauty.” I can only assume that by “body modifications,” M and Larry are referring to plastic surgery or other surgical enhancements. This is demeaning, demoralizing, and unbiblical. If we are fearfully and wonderfully made, then we can assume we are beautiful as is. I’m guessing Larry and M’s husband have been watching a few too many porn movies. Why else would they idealize certain body types and expect their wives to conform to their fantasies?

I’ll skip to number nine, which reveals a truly warped attitude.   

“Sometimes your husband will need to punish you when you fall short of his expectations. Be grateful that he takes the time to correct your behavior and thank him for helping to make you a better Christian wife. (Revelation 3:19) Such thinking can easily lead to abuse. According to the CDC, “On average, nearly twenty people per minute are physically abused by an intimate partner in the United States. During one year, this equates to more than ten million women and men. One in four women and one in nine men experience severe intimate partner physical violence, intimate partner contact sexual violence, and/or intimate partner stalking.” Sadly, the statistics do not vary much for those who claim to be Christians. 

I agree that husband and wives should speak truth to each other and sometimes even rebuke each other. That is by no means equivalent to punishing each other. Nothing in the New Testament supports this mindset or practice. 

Larry has chosen Revelation 3:19 to support this rule. It reads, “I am the one who corrects and disciplines everyone I love.” Larry seems to be confusing himself with the great I am. Readers or supporters of his blog should be deeply troubled by this misapplication of Scripture. (And Larry, you might want to review the Ten Commandments, especially the first one.) 

This type of thinking is far too common in Christianity. It points to broken patriarchy which leads both men and women away from, rather than toward, Christ. Our goal should be a mutually fulfilling marriage that includes sex. Healthy sexual relations will not be achieved through rules that perpetuate hierarchy but when both spouses respect, honor, and sacrificially serve each other. After all, “love does not demand its own way.” (1 Cor. 13:5) 

You can read more what it looks like to move toward this type of marriage in Marriage in the Middle, Making Marriage Beautiful, or Sheila Wray Gregoire’s new book, The Great Sex Rescue. 

If you find yourself in a marriage where sex is demanded of you or where you are threatened if you say no, please reach out for help.

The original post is here, though I discourage you from going there as it will simply increase Larry’s numbers.

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