My husband works as a pastor. Practically speaking, this means we don’t see much of him between Saturday afternoon and Sunday evening. Our three sons play all manner of sports, predominantly on these same weekends. The only possible way I can accommodate their schedules is to ask lots of other parents for help. And I hate it. By asking, I admit that I am limited. This creates inner turmoil because it seems that everyone else is able to navigate full-time jobs, laundry, groceries, going for a run, walking the dog, and somehow still get their children to games on time. In order to serve my kids, I have to bulldoze my feelings of incompetence. If I get crippled by the shame of asking, we all suffer.
God created us to need. By setting us within families, God makes a way for those needs to be met. When a baby cries to communicate his hunger and an attentive parents scoops him up and offers him sustenance, he learns two essential truths; asking results in needs being met, and, needs connect us relationally.
Along the road from toddlerhood to adulthood, many of us learned a different lesson. I have always been a highly sensitive person. When I played in the sandbox as a two-year old, the feeling of sand scratching against my skin compelled me to ask my mom to untie my navy blue Keds, dump out the sand, and put the sneakers back on. My repeated requests were met with exasperated sighs and annoyed compliance. I interpreted such responses as, “Needing is bad” and ultimately, “I’m bad when I need.”
A quick study, I noticed that when I swallowed my needs, people responded more favorably to me. Rather than ask for aspirin when I had a headache, I climbed on the sink to reach the medicine cabinet and chewed my way through far more orange-flavored pills than our pediatrician would have recommended. Subconsciously, I formulated survival rules that forbade both the display of feelings and admission of need. An unfortunate consequence emerged from my attempt to be totally independent–I gradually came to despise neediness.
It took twenty years of marriage, three babies, and a health crisis for me to unlearn this lesson. The diagnosis at age forty-one of fibromyalgia and chronic fatigue helped me to understand that not only did I have needs, but God approved of them and wouldn’t let me continue without tending to them. Though the specifics of my story might be unique, I have sat with enough men and women to know many of us struggle to understand and be at peace with the role that needs play in our lives. While most of us might be willing to privately acknowledge our weaknesses and needs, far too often, shame, fear, and pride prevent what should be a natural tendency to ask for help.
The Scriptures give us copious examples of individuals (and nations) who boldly expressed their needs: the persistent widow, the woman with the issue of blood, and the Gentile woman with the possessed daughter, among others. To bring this message home, Jesus said to the disciples, “Let the children come to me. Don’t stop them! For the Kingdom of God belongs to those who are like these children. I tell you the truth, anyone who doesn’t receive the Kingdom of God like a child will never enter it.”
The next time you feel overwhelmed or needy, take a cue from a two-year old and ask. Shamelessly. God will be pleased and typically, others will be more than willing to help.
Asking for help sometimes breaks more than shame. God tells us to confess our faults and to ask the elders to pray that we may be healed. Discussing many difficult things with a professional hasn’t created nearly as much change as telling one difficult thing to one praying church friend. God intends us to depend on each other and to know each other. When we hide our challenges behind the doors of our doctor’s offices, we deny the Body its right and responsibility both to understand the limitations it experiences and to take its own place as an agent of support and nurture. Thanks for the post.
Thank you for writing this, Dorothy. You brought back a few memories from my childhood when I learned that same “lesson”. I have bee recovering from surgery and not able to do much with my 3 and 1 year olds. It’s been a challenge for me to sit back and let others do what I feel that I should be doing. Thank you for the reminder that there is no shame in asking for help.
Sonya, I think many of us got this message. It has been very difficult to break from from it. I can’t say I’m done yet. Many blessings and much grace your way. Hope you have a speedy recovery.