Tomorrow, I’ll help my second son load his belongings into the car and drive him north to college. The summer has been a blur of wedding prep and wedding festivities, potentially overshadowing this milestone in his life. During the past two weeks, we’ve had quite a few discussions about what he might expect and how he might navigate this new season. I know many other families who, like us, are also spending outrageous amounts of money at Target and trying to figure out how to pack everything in our increasingly small vehicles. While it’s tempting to assume that by this point, our college bound kids know everything, I feel convinced that we should not overlook the following essentials.

1. How to care for their clothes. I recently sat next to two moms at one of my son’s baseball games. One of their daughters had gone off to school apparently without ever having done her own laundry. Mom #1 was bemoaning that her first born always brought home loads of smelly laundry when she visited. Mom #2 advised her to buy laundry sheets to avoid measuring mishaps. It took every ounce of self control for me to not offer my suggestion. Our sons started laundry duty when they were ten. Your college student obviously needs to know how to use a washer and dryer, but also how to iron (Who hasn’t melted at least one shirt?) and how to sew on buttons.

2. How to assess when to go to the doctors and how to check if that visit is covered by insurance before they go. Our number one son called me this past spring and casually mentioned he was going to see an orthopedic doctor to check out his knee that afternoon. I informed him that he needed a referral or he would have to pay for that visit out of pocket. After we got off the phone, he immediately called and cancelled the appointment. Health care is confusing. As adults, we’ve found our way through the mazes and have left a bread crumb trail to guide us on future visits. Unless we teach our children how it works, philosophically and practically, we’re bound to have a few surprises.

3. How to use debit cards and track their finances. Our youngest received his own debit card when he was thirteen. I would not advise this for all junior high students but he was more than ready. At the beginning of each year, we make out a budget, determine which items we’ll pay for and which they’ll pay for, and then load up their accounts. I communicated to Matthew that if he spent all of his money by March and then needed baseball cleats in April, it was his problem. This has empowered him to understand how finances work and, more importantly, stopped him from asking for new items on a regular basis. When we begin the process, we go over their accounts and demonstrate how to do online banking as well. I firmly believe that all young adults should manage their finances for at least a year before they launch. (I also think personal finance should be offered in high schools as an option to calculus!)

4. How to say no. Refusing to say yes or follow in step with someone is more difficult than most of us want to admit. I cannot recount all of the times that as an adult I have felt too afraid or insecure to say no to an activity even though I knew I should not take on one more thing. By flagging to our sons and daughters that yes, it will feel awkward, and yes, that person may give you some grief, they will hopefully navigate these moments with their cerebral cortex rather than their brain stem.

5. When to ask for help. When our friends’ eighth grade son got back his history final, it had a large, red F on it. He took a deep breath and thought, “Well, no matter what, I know my mom and dad will love me.” Though we may think our kids have successfully internalized our unflagging love for them, tell them anyway. When you communicate this love, also make sure they know that no matter how they do academically, no matter what mistakes they make, you will be there for them. This security will give them freedom to invite you or others in when they fail or are struggling. If there’s one lesson I’ve hammered into my sons, it’s that there is no shame in asking for help.

Our young adults should have specific markers that indicate when an SOS should be sent:

• If they are not able to keep up with their academics.
• If they are being harassed, bullied, pressured, or threatened by others. This is particularly true for girls.
• If they are unable to get at least six hours of sleep most nights or if they are unable to eat regular meals.
• If things are going poorly with their roommate.
• If they have repeated thoughts of self-hatred or any thoughts of self-harm. While this might seem unnecessary, suicide is the second leading cause of death for college students—and the number one cause for suicides is untreated depression. In light of Robin Williams’ shocking death, this should not be overlooked.

Best wishes to all of you who are sending off a son or daughter. (Though this was written with our son in mind, I think it’s equally valid for parents whose sons or daughters are not going the college route.)