As part of the launch for my new book, Making Marriage Beautiful, I wanted to invite other married folks to share their experiences of making marriage beautiful. The road to beauty is not always pretty or easy. We often find ourselves in dark and difficult places and don’t know where to turn for help or companionship. One of the primary goals in writing my book was to vulnerably offer my experiences so that others would not feel so alone or hopeless. This series seeks to give more glimpses into the lives of other men and women who have partnered with God to create and sustain satisfying, joyful marriages.
A Glass of Water and a Mug of Coffee: Tending Our Marriage with Tiny Rituals and Gratitude
Andi Cumbo-Floyd
Every morning before my husband Philip goes to work, I fix him a milky, sweet cup of coffee in a travel mug. I measure out one and a half teaspoons of sugar, a full half less than he’d like and a full half more than I like to see him ingest first thing in the day. I fill a third of the mug with milk and then let the cinnamon-laced coffee climb to the edge. It’s a ritual. It’s a small bit of tending.
Every evening before we get in bed, Philip gets me a glass of water to sip throughout the night. While I let the dogs in or brush my teeth, he dumps the unused ounces from the night before on the roots of our fig tree, Newton, carries the glass to the kitchen, and fills it with water because he doesn’t want me to have to get up in the night to get the drink I will, inevitably, need. A conscientious gift, a caregiving gesture.
These are tiny things, these bits of tending, but they keep us in tune to each other.
They remind us of our need to care for one another, even on the busy or hard or lonely days that are part of every marriage. We have rituals like this in other ways, too. After dinner, Philip goes out to his workshop so I can sew and watch several shows that I like but he doesn’t. I look forward to watching Gold Rush with him on Friday nights even though I have very little interest in gold mining or reality television in general. We work out our schedules – he comes to bed earlier, and I stay up a bit later – so we can have those few minutes of time together before sleep catches us up. Tiny things, but things that draw us together every day.
We were married just over three years ago. I was 39, and he was 36. So we came to this union with our individual selves pretty established, the searching and adaptability of our 20s long gone.
It has not always been easy – an organic food-lover and a Skittles aficionado are definitely going to have some things to work out.
But we find our way as we grow together and know one another more and more. In fact, our years help us know that our job is not to change one another but to let our marriage shape us together. This shaping is a blessing, a hard one but a rich one.
Every single morning when Philip leaves for work, he thanks me for making his coffee. If, by chance, he forgets to say it before he goes, he texts me the gratitude. At night, before I drift off, I do my very best to thank him for my water. Gratefulness for tiny actions is a wonderful, tender reminder of our gratitude for each other. A few ounces of liquid fortifying a lifetime of love.
Andi Cumbo-Floyd is a writer, editor, and writing coach. She and her husband Philip own God’s Whisper Farm, a place of respite for anyone who needs it. You can find more about Andi’s writing at her website, Andilit.com.
I’d love to hear how you are tending your marriage! Please add a comment below. If you want more information on Making Marriage Beautiful, or to download the first chapter, click this link. Thanks for stopping by.