As a way to celebrate my new book, Making Marriage Beautiful, I have asked some of my writer friends to share how they make their marriages beautiful. One of the factors that motivated me to write this book was the reality that marriage can be more challenging than any of us ever imagined. Sometimes, when we’re in the middle of a difficult season, we can feel like we’re all alone. If you read through the posts in this series, you will know you are not alone. My friends have courageously opened up about the challenges and joys of married life.
Welcome Anna Moseley Gissing!
How Do You Make Marriage Beautiful? By Recognizing “Very British Problems”
Have you ever seen the show “Very British Problems”? It’s a commentary on British culture—particularly the everyday habits and communication patterns that Americans might find amusing.
And it’s a reminder to me that my marriage is a cross-cultural relationship.
My husband Jeff was born in Cyprus, spent his toddler years in Germany, and then lived a decade of his childhood in Britain. The son of a British army officer, though he lived in several countries, culturally he was thoroughly British.
And then he moved to the Las Vegas area at fourteen. And he took great care to lose his British accent so as not to be the subject of junior high gawking.
All of this is not evident when you meet him. You would probably assume that he was born and raised in America. And though I know otherwise, I don’t always remember.
What does it mean that my husband is British? It means more than his preference for British TV and radio, more than his Union Jack socks and cufflinks, more than his interest in British politics.
Growing up British explains his own sensibilities when it comes to communication. British speech tends to be more reserved and understated than American speech. Brits have different ideas about appropriate volume and level of assertiveness necessary in a situation than Americans do. (To give you an idea of what I’m talking about, check out this handy chart.)
Believe it or not, this affects marriage!
It took me many years to figure out that some of our communication struggles in marriage weren’t merely due to our different personalities, but also due to different cultural expectations. When my husband is reticent to be assertive, it’s not just fear or stubbornness. It goes against deeply-held values of his heritage. When he is reserved in social settings, it’s not just that he’s an introvert. He’s a British introvert!
A few years ago, I picked up a book called Watching the English, at the recommendation of some American friends living in the UK. I didn’t realize at the time that it was an investment in my marriage.
For me, part of making marriage beautiful is understanding and appreciating my husband’s cultural background and giving thanks for his Britishness.
We all come into marriage with different cultural expectations. Maybe you and your spouse are from different ethnic backgrounds. Maybe you come from different socioeconomic situations. Maybe you grew up in different parts of the country or practicing different religions.
Though these differences take time to understand and appreciate, they are also enriching! As I know my husband more deeply, I’m glad that God has given me this man to share life with—even if I remain the loud, assertive one.
What’s your “very British problem”? Where do you need to be reminded that your own values and background aren’t the only valid, normal, or right ones? Ask God to show you how you might better understand and appreciate your spouse’s delightful and quirky differences.
Anna Moseley Gissing is a writer, speaker, and editor. She’s also a mama and a pastor’s wife. Follow her on Twitter, Instagram, and Facebook to read more.
I invite you to read more in this series by clicking this link. Each month, I am giving away free books to two randomly chosen new subscribers to my newsletter. (See link below.) This month’s giveaways are Catherine McNiel’s Long Days of Small Things and Erin Wasinger and Sarah Arthur’s The Year of Small Things. You still have a few days left to subscribe and enter the drawing.
And if you are curious to learn more about Making Marriage Beautiful, you can download chapter one from my site. Thanks for stopping by.