Today’s guest post is by my friend Cara Meredith. I could not agree more with what she and her husband have discovered: giving each other space to be alone or hangout with friends definitely makes marriage (more) beautiful. Please check out some the other pieces in this series when you finish reading Cara’s.
I thought we’d be one of those couples who do everything together – after all, up until actual marriage, I’d deem the act of togetherness the ultimate point of matrimonial union.
Neither one of us married straight out of college, or even in our twenties: instead, I was in my early thirties and he was in his early forties when we met and married eleven months later. Ours was a different sort of dating relationship, one that some described as “fast and furious,” but one we instead chalked up as already knowing what we wanted and needed in a partner.
We knew ourselves, even if we were rather set in our ways. But all the knowing in the world didn’t prepare me for the expectations I held of marriage.
By the time I married, I’d been witness to more than my fair share of ceremonies. As maid of honor, bridesmaid, usher, wedding singer, pianist, flower woman, scripture reader, cake cutter, officiate, wedding crasher, and just plain attendee, I’d seen a fair share of marriages thrive, just as I’d seen a number of marriages fail. So when I finally said, “I do,” I knew what I wanted my marriage to look like.
I wanted marriage to include Monday night and Tuesday night, and every weeknight in between. I wanted marriage to include running errands together on Saturday mornings and lazily napping together on Sunday afternoons. I wanted marriage to include exercising together and cooking together and reading together, too.
Basically, I wanted (and I expected) marriage to include every waking moment with my husband. But, that wasn’t his idea of healthy marriage – and, as it turned out, neither was it mine.
Even though it didn’t happen overnight, we had to figure out that honoring one another with time apart only helped to make our marriage more beautiful. I’ll spare you the details, although you wouldn’t be wrong to guess that tears and frustration came along with it.
But then we started to put the pieces of the puzzle together: when he got a weekend in the mountains by himself, he came back refreshed and renewed, more alive to seeing our relationship thrive than ever before. When I got a weekend away with a couple of girlfriends, I came back delighted to spend time with the man who so perfectly balanced me.
Two kids and nearly seven years later, we’re still figuring out how to honor one another with time apart, with each new turn of the season. He tends to work long hours during the week, while I tend to have more commitments on the weekend with speaking engagements. Still, we’ve learned how to take turns.
Now, we try and give each other a night off from parental responsibilities, once a week. We try and give each other a solid three or four hour chunk of alone time, every weekend. And, if we’re lucky, we try and give each other an overnight or a weekend away to refresh on a regular basis, whether by ourselves or with friends.
Because it’s in this trying and this giving that we honor one another – and, it’s in this trying and giving that our marriage is made more beautiful, even if we don’t, as I initially expected, do everything together.
Cara Meredith is a writer and speaker from Seattle, Washington. She is a member of the Redbud Writers Guild and co-host of Shalom in the City’s monthly book club podcast. She holds a Master’s of Theology (Fuller Seminary), and can be found on her blog, Facebook, and Twitter.
Thanks for stopping by. You can read more on this series by clicking here. To read chapter one of Making Marriage Beautiful or find where you can get a copy, click here. I will give away one copy of Making Marriage Beautiful to a lucky reader who comments below. (US residents only. Sorry. Postage is pricey!)
I am was happy to find your blurb on making marriage beautiful. My husband and I recently separated for 6 months after 40 years of marriage. It has been a most difficult time for both of us. I too had a vision of us doing things together but didnt think about having alone time, especially during the early years of raising our children. He is more of an introvert, me the opposite, or so I thought. I felt trapped when he would work out at the gym during the week while I stayed home with the kids. After years the resentment built. There were resntments in his part also, he just never verbalizes them. Because we are not very good communicators this caused distance between us along with the years of dealing with an alcoholic son, and other things. We felt as though we were roommates instead of husband and wife. Aging has a way of making us see things with a new perspective. So in order to see if we wanted to continue our marriage, we mutually decided to separate in order to reflect on what we wanted going into this season of our lives. We missed each other terribly, did a lot of soul searching, reading, praying, talking, facing our fears. We discovered we didnt want to live apart. We were comforted by the other persons presence. I learned that my expectations for our marriage at age 21 were so unrealistic. I read Love and Respect, watched their videos, listened to christian podcasts and radio, and prayed. God wanswered me and changed my heart toward my husband and our marriage. Each marriage is as unique as the people in it are. I have to stop comparing ours to others. I have learned comparison is the thief of joy and no one can change another person (except the Lord!). My husband does not attend church with me, says he does believe in a higher power, but does not talk much about it much. Some may say I am not dealing with things if we do not talk about everything all the time or dont do many things together. But in our 40 years of marriage we are best friends now whereas we didnt think of it that way during our early years. We would rather be together than apart. We do love each other and that has grown over time. I apologize for the long post, you brought up thoughts I needed to share. I appreciate your insight and am glad that you are addressing issues early instead of later in life. Blessed by your words! !
Thanks for stopping by and letting me know how that post hit you. And I totally agree that comparing yourself or your marriage to anyone else can be unhelpful and even toxic. Please visit again (and sign up for my newsletter if you want to stay in touch).
Having known I was an introvert for years before marriage, I always knew alone time would be important. But it’s one thing to decide to hang out at home when you’re single and another to navigate what alone time looks like when you’re married (and you and your spouse have slightly different schedules. Currently my husband is in grad school and so our times don’t always line up.)
I agree. It’s challenging to navigate needs, wants, and schedules. My husband is also finishing grad school and for the past few months, seeing each other is way too seldom!