My hope for this marriage survey is that it would help you to pinpoint any areas in your relationship that might need some attention. Think of this as a diagnostic tool. Answer these questions as honestly as you are able.
1. In general, we resolve our conflicts promptly and thoroughly. In other words, rather than sweeping things under the proverbial rug, you talk through conflicts until you come to a place where you both feel some sense of resolve. This includes faithfully apologizing and forgiving each other. When we hurt each other, which happens in all marriages, we articulate “I’m sorry for …” and, “I forgive you for…” rather than uttering a somewhat glib Sorry! (a la Carol Burnett) or saying No big deal. Little deals can become big deals over time.
2. We are malleable and eager to grow. Marriage should not be static. A family’s needs change over time and we need to be perceptive and adept at changing with them. Furthermore, we are designed to keep learning throughout our lives.
3. We regularly speak specific words of encouragement to each other. Married couples have the unique opportunity to discern when their spouse is feeling discouraged or beaten down. When I tell my husband, “You really tuned into the Holy Spirit today when you were leading worship,” it’s more meaningful than a generic, “Worship was good.” Make the extra effort. It pays off.
4. We make time to listen to each other for 30 minutes on a daily or nearly daily basis. This is truly difficult when we’re dealing with health issues, in seasons of heavy care-giving, or doing shift work. However, most experts agree that at least 30 minutes is needed for us to feel connected. (Keep devices out of sight and turned off during this time.)
5. We accept each other’s limitations and fundamental differences. We are all limited people. This reality increases as we age. Therefore, it’s essential for us to come to peace with those places where we may not ever change. I have long-term health issues that apparently will only go away if a miracle occurs. There may be areas where the differences drive you crazy. My husband is a time optimist and will probably never value being on time as much as I do. Recognizing and accepting such limitations/differences helps us to love our spouse without needing them to become someone different.
6. We routinely express physical affection and frequently have mutually fulfilling sex. With regard to sexual frequency, couples need to find a pace that meets each partner’s needs. If you do not become one physically on a regular basis, you may gradually grow distant. (If there are extenuating health issues that prevent you from having intercourse, do find other creative ways to express physical affection.)
7. We are aware of our own needs, communicate them to each other, and then try to meet each other’s needs. This requires self-awareness, trust, and intentionality. It would be awesome if our spouse could intuit and then meet our needs without our needing to say a word, but that’s not realistic.
8. We regularly spend time together doing relaxing or restorative things (e.g. hiking, cooking, yard work, dancing, etc.). Even if you and your spouse are very different people, finding a few activities, chores, or acts of community service to do together is enormously important. Nearly ten years ago, I bought a used, double kayak as an anniversary gift. Kayaking is now one of our favorite things to do together. We also volunteer at a local prison. Such activities are not only bonding, they help us to put our differences/problems in perspective.
9. We have a close circle of friends and know when to ask for help. No matter how amazing you are, you will not be able to meet all of your spouse’s needs. Sowing into friendships will ease your aloneness and become the proving ground for love. Every marriage will go through difficult seasons. There’s no shame in asking for help, both professional and the kind you can get informally through friends.
10. We endeavor to love each other unconditionally. We will never do this perfectly However, that should not prevent us from trying. 1 Corinthians 13:1-7 and Philippians 2:1-5 offer clarity on what unconditional love might look like.
While few couples are doing all of these at the same time on an ongoing basis, these habits/mindsets are essential if we hope to have a joyful, mutually fulfilling marriage. If you’re batting less than 50%, you might want to think about reading one of my books together (or even asking a few other couples to go through it with you), sitting down with trusted friends to honestly share what’s going on, or even finding a marriage therapist.
Asking for help is not a sign of weakness. It’s a sign of maturity.
Having a good marriage is a lot of work, but it should also be an amazing comfort, a safe place, and a source of joy. Please feel free to email me if you have any questions. Thanks for reading.
Here are a few books on various topics that might serve you.
Marriage in the Middle: Embracing Midlife Surprises, Challenges and Joys, by Dorothy Littell Greco
Making Marriage Beautiful, by Dorothy Littell Greco
Boundaries for Your Soul, by Alison Cook
The Body Keep Score, by Dr, Bessel van der Kolk (This comprehensive book deals with the effects of trauma.)
Faithful: A Theology of Sex, by Beth Felker Jones
Four Gifts: Seeking Self-Care for Heart, Should, Mind and Strength, by April Yamasaki
Divine Sex: A Compelling Vision for Christian Relationships in a Hypersexualized Age, Jonathan Grant
Unwanted: How Sexual Brokenness Reveals Our Way to Healing, by Jay Stringer
Theology of the Body for Beginners: A Basic Introduction to Pope John Pauls II’s Sexual Revolution, by Christopher West
Hold Me Tight: Seven Conversations for a Lifetime of Love, Dr. Susan Johnson
The Healing Path: How the Hurts in Your Past Can Lead You to a More Abundant Life, Dr. Dan Allender.
Getting the Love You Want, Hendrix and Hunt
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