In which I finish writing the most important talk I’ve ever given.

How do I summarize twenty-three years of marriage in ten minutes or less? How can I accurately and soberly prepare my son and future daughter-in-law—without scaring them off? How can I communicate that the vows which they are about to make to make will be repeatedly tested—and that the testing will be both the most difficult as well as the most rewarding endeavor that they have ever embarked upon?

In The Mystery of Marriage, Mike Mason writes, “Marriage for the Christian is a continuous sacrament, an act of praise and obedience, and a means of grace that is inherently every bit as spiritual as anything that goes on in a monastery, or in any church. . . . There is a secret resentment of the demands of marriage, a reluctance to give away any more than is absolutely necessary. There is a constant temptation to pull back from the full intensity of the relationship, to get along on only the basic requirements. But set against this is the constant challenge to give more and more of oneself, at deeper and deeper levels, and to see in one’s partner a most abundant and perfect challenge for the outpouring of the grace of God into one’s life.”

If there is a secret to great marriage, it’s the counter-cultural commitment to “one downsmanship” (Mason). One downsmanship means choosing to extend grace when my husband is feeling anxious (again) about our finances. Or supporting his decision to go back to grad school when I feel like I can’t possibly make one more sacrifice. Or his willingness to take on clients every Monday night so that I can pursue writing. Real things these.

By making such sacrifices year after year, we build relational equity for the lean times. We build trust. We communicate, “This relationship is more important than my personal happiness.” In other words, we grow up. And in doing so, become the means by which our spouse can begin to glimpse the miracle of love.

I’ve been writing this sermon for the past twenty-three years. I hope it reads well.

Hold on tight Anthony and Kate. It’s a wild ride.