When the Steubenville verdict became public, I lost the entire day. Alternating between anger and shock, I simply could not stop reading news reports, commentaries, and blogs. Each one cycled me deeper into despair until I finally had to turn off the computer and go for a long walk.
As a mother of three sons, and a woman who felt ongoing pressure to “put out” as a teenager, this hideous crime felt both shocking and shameful. On many levels, it actually serves as a wake-up call for parents. How do we want our sons to treat women? How are they to understand their sexuality? Steubenville provides us with the opportunity to communicate two unequivocal truths: the word No actually means something and, you can control your sexual urges.
One of our sons, who shall go unnamed, is a bit strong willed. He wants what he wants, when he wants it. This has been true since he was eighteen months old. At age two, such ego centrism is developmentally appropriate: of course he wants that toy or that candy bar. Between the ages of two and three, children go through the process of individuation—realizing that mother is actually a separate human being. Their No in this season is a crucial means by which they develop their own identity. Ironically, it’s in this season that they despise hearing that same word directed toward them.
Seasoned parents understand that this tug-of-war is an essential, albeit often unpleasant, component of the child’s maturation process. When we as parents cannot bear to hear the child wail in protest and cave-in to their demands, we undermine or prolong their journey. A child must be able to both say—and hear—No.
This tiny word has immense power. For a two-year-old and for a sixteen-year-old. As our son grew, he still had the tendency to disrespect my no. If I refused what he believed to be a reasonable request, he would badger and sometimes even give me emotional consequences. While I appreciated his tenacity, I knew that I had to win this war. I could see into the future and predict that if I failed to teach him to respect another’s No there might be some deleterious consequences for him—and for any woman in his life.
Those of you with sons—we cannot back-off from this lesson. Our boys must understand—at the core of their being—that No means, stop immediately. Though this might seem obvious to us, it’s not to them. We need to approach this with intentionality and sobriety.
I have actually coached our older two boys to ask permission before they even kiss a girl. We want our sons to understand they they need explicit permission to cross into another’s physical space. This is not chivalry—it’s Christianity 101. It’s teaching them to value the will and soul of another above their own desires.
In addition to respecting the No of another, they also need to understand that they can put the brakes on their own desires. In other words, they actually can develop sufficient self-control to deny themselves. This flies in the face of conventional culture. I have read more than a dozen blogs, articles, and op-eds during the past year which have espoused that men are physically and psychically unable to deny their sexual longings. Whether that means having affairs, multiple sexual partners, using pornography, or masturbating on a regular basis. So these same men who train for triathlons, who work for hours perfecting their golf swing or learning how to write code cannot apply that same discipline to their sexual longings. Really?
As a woman who has raised three sons and who is married to a man who neither uses pornography nor strays from our marriage bed, I say men are capable of more. I am fully confident that men can not only remain faithful, but learn to sublimate their sexual urges for something greater. Men who disagree are justifying their immaturity and failing to live up to their full potential.
It is for this reason that we have had multiple conversations with our sons about masturbation. This is currently perceived as “God’s gift to mankind” (verbatim phrase recently told to a group of men in a sexual recovery group) and as such, will not be wrenched from our ideological sensibilities without great difficulty. Most pediatricians and counselors will affirm that regular masturbation is both necessary and healthy. I read an Ask Beth column several years ago where a young teen inquired if Beth thought his twice-a-day masturbation habit was OK. Not only did she affirm it, but she moralized her position. She also failed to ask the youth such basic questions as, “Do you have any fear or anxiety in your life? Do you have a strong relationship with your parents? Do you use pornography as you masturbate? How does this impact your social life?”
Obviously, having an orgasm is not only pleasurable but releases stress. We need pleasure and stress reducers in our life. For many, masturbation seems like the obvious answer. I would like to propose another perspective. By saying, “No. Not now,” to arousal and sexual longing, boys develop self-control. And if I’m not mistaken, this is an important component of being a responsible human being. Have a boss who wrongs you in staff meetings? Have a ref who repeatedly makes poor calls for your team? Have a child with colic who cries for several hours every night? Each of these circumstances requires self-control.
Please note—I am not encouraging any of you to shame your sons into sexual sobriety. Shaming messages will manifest in ugly fashion later in life. Instead of relying upon shame, we affirm the beauty of their sexuality, even as we empower them to control their potent bodies.
This lesson actually begins at age two. “It’s good that you want to bang but you need to hit the pan instead of the table.” Or, “I would feel angry too if someone took that toy away from me, but you may not bite him.” And later progresses to, “It’s totally natural for you as a thirteen year old to want to spend time with that cute girl but you cannot be together in the bedroom with the door closed.” We reinforce the same message again and again until they get it—or they move out. (Yes, talking about masturbation is excruciatingly awkward, but the earlier you start the conversation, the easier it gets.)
My husband and I are acutely aware that we are in the waning days of influencing our oldest two sons. We intend to take advantage of every opportunity to bless their masculinity and their ability to steward it well. Such lessons might just prevent another Steubenville from happening.