All marriages face disappointment. It doesn’t matter how well matched or how mature we are. We shouldn’t feel worried about occasional bouts of disappointment. We should feel concerned if we get stuck there. When we experience disappointment and it’s neither spouse’s fault (such as a loss of employment due to corporate downsizing or infertility), we generally grieve, accept the loss, and move on. The disappointments that are connected to our unrealistic expectations for each other tend to be stickier.
My husband and I have had our share of sticky disappointments. When I married him, naive optimism overshadowed the reality that he is mercurial, does not like public displays of affection, and hates flying. That same optimism obscured the reality that I struggle to need him, am too quick to judge, and have a limited capacity to listen.
If we fail to recognize that we carry expectations—let alone that they might be unrealistic—we often end up blaming each other when we feel disappointed.
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