I’ve been following the news about the Duke and Duchess of Sussex (formerly known as Prince Harry and Princess Meghan) not because I’m an Anglophile or because I thrive on celebrity news. (I’d rather read Golf Digest while waiting in the doctor’s office than People Magazine.) They’ve captured my attention for two reasons.
One, Harry’s mother, Princess Diana, was a very large figure for me. I remember her fairy-tale wedding and the rapid demise of her marriage to Prince Charles. According to Diana’s biographers, Charles started (or was it re-started?) the affair with his now-wife Camilla (Duchess of Cornwall) only five years into his marriage to Diana. His two sons were under the age of five. Let that sink in. Though Diana fought back, sometimes tit for tat, she could not salvage the marriage and the two separated eleven years after they had married. When Diana died in that fiery car crash in 1997, Harry was only twelve years old. He suffered through a double trauma: divorce (And not just any divorce. By many accounts, it was one of the most acrimonious and public divorces of modern times.) followed by his mother’s tragic death.
And two, Harry seems intent on doing whatever it takes to care for and protect his wife and their new son, Archie. Granted, we may not know the full story for months, if ever. It would be easy (though cynical) to assume that they’re simply taking advantage of the moment to make themselves rich. (But, wait. Aren’t they already rich?)
There are a host of factors leading Harry and Meghan to make this decision, among them the desire for a more normal life. On Sunday night during a dinner for the charitable foundationhe established, Harry explained his choice and said, “I hope that helps you understand what it had to come to, that I would step my family back from all I have ever known, to take a step forward into what I hope can be a more peaceful life.” Previously, Harry said that he will not allow the media to malign his wife or pursue his family in the same ways that they hounded his mother. The British tabloids coverage of Markle has not only been obsessive, but negative, and at times, overtly racist.
It strikes me that Harry genuinely wants to avoid subjecting his wife and son to the insanity, the scrutiny, the control, that have defined his life since the moment he was born. Can we blame him for that? And in fact, it’s made me wonder, would I willingly give up everything that has defined me in order to protect my marriage and allow my husband to flourish?
On that magical day when we promise everything to our spouse, none of us really know what marriage is going to ask of us. We can’t foresee the incapacitating mental illness, the bone-crushing poverty, or the pain of barrenness. Though there are legitimate reasons to end a marriage, I wonder how many divorces could be avoided if, early on, couples did what Harry and Meghan are choosing to do: acknowledging that the road they are traveling will not lead them where they want to go and then making the sacrifices and recalibrations necessary to point them in a better direction.
Few of us will have to let go of all that Harry is giving up, but letting go of things that define you or that you’re attached to is never easy. That’s why it’s a sacrifice. (I’m particularly mindful of those of you who married someone from a different continent or an entirely different culture. I bet you’d have a thing or two to say about this topic.)
’ve seen Christopher make significant sacrifices for me and our sons multiple times. After living in an edgy, urban neighborhood where the traffic, crime, and drug use escalated year after year, he decided that yes, we should move to a place where we had more space and more peace. That choice, which was huge for him because he loves the city, has blessed me on so many levels. There are multiple other sacrifices that he’s made on my behalf that are too present tense and too vulnerable to discuss here. (Feel free to take me out for tea sometime and we’ll talk.)
I’d like to leave all of you with a simple question: What are you willing to give up—to sacrifice—so that your marriage and your spouse can thrive? I’m going to be pondering this for weeks to come. And in the meantime, I hope Meghan and Harry choose well and find the peace they long for.